Something that I've always wanted to explore was my relationship with myself. That is to say, time and time again I have talked myself out of looking into my own spirituality, meditation, and wellness in fear that I wouldn't like the person I found when it was quiet in my head. At least once every six months I exclaim how great it would be to get into yoga, meditation, healthy eating. And like clockwork I can never last a week before I fall back into my unhealthy thought patterns, and into my unhealthy long-term relationship with food. I've been reading Living With Intent by Mallika Chopra, and her chapter on Trust felt like a splash of cold water to the subconscious. I wondered how she could hit the nail on the head so succinctly. I'll quote two paragraphs from the chapter below.

I fell in love with the sweet stuff as a kid. My grandmother loves chocolate as much as I do, and some of my fondest memories from our visits to India are of playing in Nani's house while she made a chocolate cake or whipped together delicious milkshakes. Even now, imagining those days fills me with a warm, cozy feelings, and I suddenly see part of the problem. In my mind, sugar means security, protection, safety. It's a refuge, a haven. No wonder I reach for sweet treats to soothe myself when I'm sad or anxious, scared or uncertain. It's not just that it tastes good; it tastes like love. In my father's book, he says the task of people struggling with weight and food is this: find your fulfillment. Food alone can't fulfill you, my dad writes. "You must nourish the body with healthy food, the heart with joy, compassion and love, the mind with knowledge and the spirit with equanimity and self-awareness...If you fill yourself with other kinds of satisfaction, food will no longer be a problem. 

--Mallika Chopra, Living With Intent.

This anecdote spoke to me, as many of my fondest childhood memories involve food. In particular, I remember getting up early to go to the grocery store with my mom to buy blueberry muffins for my grandfather. I excitedly called him to remind him of what treats I wanted him to have waiting for me after our 4-hour car ride to visit his tiny apartment in New York. I always joked about holding his blueberry muffins at ransom if he didn't follow through, knowing that he always did. My list never deviated. It always included a half order of fried chicken over fried rice from the Chinese carryout, sparkling Mystic coolers, and a Trinidadian drink called Shandy. On top of this, my brother would ask for wings and fries from Kennedy Fried Chicken, my mom wanted a roti and doubles and aloo pies from the Caribbean restaurant. Throw on top of that a couple of Blockbuster movies for us to enjoy together, and we guaranteed that my poor grandfather would be spending the entire length of our car ride walking halfway around the city. But, he never complained, because he loved us so much. And that food, regardless of it's actual quality always tasted like love. Our other meals for the duration of our visits would be homemade by him, and his matchbox, one-bedroom apartment was filled to the brim with delicious scents, people, and mostly, love.

It is a common theme in Caribbean households to equate food with love. When you want to show someone you care, it's not uncommon to ask if they had eaten, fix them a plate, or cook them a meal. My mother always tells me what she'll cook for me when we're reunited. After my first heartbreak, my dad bought me a chocolate cake.

It's not a stretch to say that my relationship with food has become a crutch. When I'm feeling anything but fulfilled I turn to food. But Chopra has made me question whether I'm just filling my stomach, or attempting to fulfill my otherwise unfulfilled self. And taking on the task of daily meditation and yoga, I'm beginning to find the answers.

So, how can I conquer this?

First
I need to have an active awareness of what I am putting in my body, and why. Am I eating because I'm hungry, or am I lacking in another area of my life? Am I looking to fill my stomach, my mind, or my heart? What can I do instead of eating that will help me fulfill these areas?

Second
I need to learn to accept failure as an inevitable aspect of any self-improvement journey. I can't allow negative thoughts at a minor setback to deter me completely as I have in the past. My current wellness journey is helping me notice and stop these thoughts when I feel them.

Third
Sometimes, what you need at the moment is that piece of cake. Or that cheeseburger. Filling yourself up with what you need is important, and self-deprivation is not what I'm after. But, a part of the journey is being mindful while eating and saying, right now, I'm full. I enjoyed this cheeseburger, but if I finish it, I'll feel sick to my stomach.

These are just three ways I'm trying to conquer my unhealthy relationship with food. I'm not trying to diet in any way, however, I would like to enjoy living in my body a little bit more. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Love ya,
Shawnelle