I've been thinking about how to put my current feelings into words for a long time now. After a long chat with a good friend, I was finally able to put words to how I'm feeling. In a nutshell, I'm ready to get the heck out of Korea. One month into my 2nd contract and I'm ready to call it quits. Honestly, I thought it was just a rut that I was going through, but it turns out that I'm just done. Let me tell you why.

Limited Access to Spices and Foods I Love
    I miss having access to the spices and ingredients that I enjoy cooking with. I've always liked cooking, but since I've been in Korea, I have been cooking much more than ever before. I'm pretty restricted in what I can cook because the ingredients I need are either wildly expensive or unavailable. I understand that I could just cook Korean foods with the ingredients that are widely available, but, if I'm eating in my house I'm usually in the mood for the comforting dishes from back home. For example, I've been craving mac and cheese for a week, but the 3 closest grocery stores to me don't have cheddar cheese. When I do find cheddar cheese it's about $11 for one block of cheese. I want to have a taco night, but I can't find hard shell tacos anywhere, I can't get cilantro without traveling over an hour, and one avocado is $3. It's frustrating to rarely satisfy my cravings, since I'm not willing or able to spend $30 on cooking a comfort food.

Dead End Career
    I may have joked around with people that I'm a glorified babysitter...but, in all honesty, I'm a glorified babysitter. I see my friends back home getting jobs in their fields, or doing the work that they want to do, and I'm sitting here with little to no responsibility, respect, or rewards. I plan a simple lesson for a 40 minute, weekly class that most of the students don't care about. Korean public school is often praised for its high completion rate. Yet, what they don't tell you is that ALL of the students move forward regardless of their effort. They take tests, but in Elementary school, they really don't matter. If the child has no desire to go to college, then they just float through until they graduate high school without any effort on their part. Since I can't scold them in their language, my "punishments" are a joke.
    What it really boils down to is that I'm getting itchy. I'm ready to make moves that will push me in the direction that I want to go. On a more positive note (AKA after some serious deep breathing) I realize that this is one step in the grand scheme of things. In order to go to grad school, I need to pay off a bit of my student as well as have the opportunity to save up money to pay for the program in full as well as to have a good nest egg for myself. This is a wonderful way to do that. Points for me for positive thinking!

Inflated expectations + Disappointing reality = WHAT.THE.HELL?!
    I did so much research about South Korea before I came here. Anyone who knows me knows that I can't even make a purchase over $20 without doing some serious research. I watched videos, read blogs, searched every forum and even connected with people already in the country or who had taught here before. I thought I was fully prepared for what my experience here would be like. But, I really wasn't. Now that I'm here, though, I feel like I've been lied to. No one was keeping it 100 with me. Making Korean friends isn't easy. Immersion-style language learning isn't working for me. Having time and energy for hobbies isn't happening. I guess this could be a personal problem. Maybe I'm too shy to make friends, period. I'm probably a bit to self-conscious to practice my Korean with Koreans. And, I guess I'm too lazy do do anything with my time. Who knows. Whatever it is, it bugs me.

Living in a bubble
    So, as it stands, I'm currently treading water in a pool of people furiously swimming laps around me. What I mean by this is it seems that everyone around me is making all of these life-changing decisions in their personal lives, while I'm just puttering around and doing the same thing everyday. I know that this can be contributed to the fact that people tend to only share the "best" moments of their life online. I get on Facebook and I see my friends doing great things, and I'm so happy for them, yet, I'm a bit sad as well because what am I doing? Everyone responds to this the same way. "OMG, you're in Korea, teaching children, that's amazing!" But, let's be real. Is it really? Like I mentioned before, it feels like a dead-end job to me. I like the same life as an unfulfilled person would back home. I don't wake up every morning and dive into Korea. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I'm in Korea.
    Even in this country, the people around me are living amongst family and friends, and they are all making decisions that push their lives forward. They're getting married, having children, getting promotions and added responsibilities in their careers, graduating, moving, making changes. I'm just the decorative foreign teacher. That's it. And, don't get me started on the fact that I miss "breaking news" because it is in Korean. Unless a co-teacher decides to translate something to me, I'm pretty behind on things. My family will message me and ask, "did you hear about [that thing] with North Korea?" No. No, I did not. My response is usually, "oh, Koreans aren't really worried about it, so I won't be either." But, really? How do I know this? I don't. I just say it and hope for the best.

At the end of the day, I'm not going to leave the ROK until my contract is up. It's unprofessional to leave without having a real, valid reason aside from "ugh feeeeeelingssss." Also, if I ever find myself strapped for cash, I can always come back to Korea and work for a year. So, I don't want to ruin that.
I'll continue to take each day as it comes, and know that this experience is an important step to achieving my dreams...whatever they may be.